My mom spent that whole day trying to make me feel better while I know deep down inside her she's so heart broken and damaged she was strong in front of me but I can feel the pain inside her and I could see it in her eyes.
After spending 2 days in the hospital the thought of my dad being gone still hasn't entered my mind I still won't and can't accept it.
2nd day in the hospital bed.
Me :"mom .. I wanna tell you something"
Mom :"tell me sweetie "
Me :"I wanna apply to college and go on sunday"
Mom :"lujain! You just survived an accident and u can barely walk straight and you wanna go to college all of a sudden? Why now?"
I looked at my mom's eyes with an emotional expression but held my tears from falling.
Me :"because thats what my dad would have wanted me to do ... Thats his dream and that's the one thing I will do from now I've wasted time all this time I've wasted it wanting to relax not caring about my future and on and on my dad keeps telling me don't waste ur time ur precious time I didn't even ..."
I wiped the tear that fell on my cheek and continued.
"Care about what he said ... This is his dream his last wish that he asked me to do and I will do it I promise I will I promise dad"
I looked at the sealing.
My mom leaned over and sat next to me in bed hugging me and saying :"I understand ... Alright But u'll apply to next year's semester.."
Me :"no mom I wanna go this semester not next years"
Mom :"sweetie u know I want you to go to college more than anything but now its. Atough time for you look at u! You're..."
I interrupted my mom.
Me :"i'm fine mom I'm fine I will be fine enshallah please just do this one thing for me wallah I promise I won't ask for anything else.."
I kissed my mom's forehead and hugged her.
Mom :"enshallah sweetie ... Enshallah"
_______________________
-Soulful Voice-
I know applying to college right now is something no one would have ever expected me to do, but now I realize how little and short life can be and how much time I've wasted with everything I did. I didn't just decide this for my dad but I decided it for me too because I know something was missing in my life I felt it. All this time dad was just trying to make me see how time can pass and things can change so fast one minute he was there the next he's all gone I know now I know what I should do.
________________________
After few hours I had a visitor come in.
The door knocked I saw noor enter.
Noor :"ahh I was worried about what happened thank god your okai..."
She rushed over to me and hugged me so tight.
{ her hug ahh her hug I've missed it I need it }
Noor held my head and looked into my eyes I saw her tearing.
Noor :"you don't know how I reacted when I knew about the accident lujain ... Elhmdallah you're okai ... Are you feeling any better now?"
Me :"yea I'm much better and fine.. Elhmdallah"
Noor :"umm I'm sorry about your dad ... I know he meant alot to you"
I couldn't help but tear infront of her the way she said it just made me realize that I can no longer see him again ...
Noor :"I'm so sorry lujain shhhh don't cry"
She hugged me.
Me :"I'm sorry too..."
We sat and talked about everything and suddenly noor brought up yousif.
Noor :"lujain umm yousif is worried like alot you don't wanna Talk to him or something?"
Me :"no... I want u to tell him thank u but no thanx I don't want him in my life anymore it wont work and I'm not thinking about any guy or relationships or love and l that crap I just reazlied lifes too short why waste it on stuff thats not worth it.. I'm just gonna focus about college and yea"
Noor :"alright"
_________
Days past and I got accepted in a private art college I never thought I'd end up in an art college even though I knew how to draw all that stuff since I was little but it never crossed my mind.
The first day of college
I wore my black jeans a white tank top and a beanie I know its not my usual outfit but alot has changed since my dad died including me...
I grabbed my headphones and bag went to hug and kiss my mom before I head out and left with driver so he'd drop me off .. On our way I put on my headphones and played "do it all again" - Mr.probz ...
85, something wrong
mommy cryin, daddy gone
It wasn't me, nose bleeds
Empty fridge, no groceries
Teardrops running down my face
It's just one of those days
If you and me would meet someday
I think the first thing you would say is something like...
I have made some mistakes in the past
but something that is cannot change
I've tried to do the best that I can
to wish it all away...
Staring at the window emotionless as I see the wind blow the leaves when I heard the driver say we're close get ready ..
I held my bag and he dropped me at the front door I was amazed of how the beautiful campus was so I walked around before my first class and saw a tree from a far I got close and sat under it while listening to some music when my phone vibrated..
____________________________
Noor :"hey hows college so far?"
Me:"hey well I just arrived you ask me after I finished the day haha"
Noor :"Lol yea just wanted to check on you and see how you were doing .."
Me :"everything seems okai till now hopefully my classes will be good too"
Noor :"yea hopefully.."
_____________________________
Suddenly I heard someone whisper "pssst psst"
I looked around to find no one there I was frightened I stood up searching left and right no one was close to me...
I felt a rock on my left shoulder as if someone hit me I turned around and someone said "up here"
I looked up at the tree and saw a guy with deep brown hair and hazel eyes wearing a black shirt and jeans holding a book sitting on the branch ..
Me :"you scared me !!!"
Him :"sorry about that Just wanted to tell you that you're music was too loud.."
Me :"excuse me What loud? I had my headphones on?"
Him :"well I guess you put it at high volume that I can it hear it from way up here and It was disturbing my reading time"
"Oh really.." I replied with an irritated face
Him : "yup"
Me :"I'm sorry but I don't think my music was disturbing anybody and I'm not apologizing from something I didn't do wrong.. Okai!"
Him :"haha well you seem to be like an angry girl .. Are you usually like that?"
Me : "me? Angry? .. Dude you don't even know me .. look I'm gonna change my spot now enjoy reading your ......."
I looked at the book he was holding and continued : "beautiful disaster.."
he smiled as if he just heard a joke I replied :"did I say something funny?"
him :"well ... you look cute when you're irritated"
Me :"okai... byee"
I left smiling a little but didn't want him to see me smiling because he irritated me and I wasn't in the mood I looked back at the tree and its like he vanished ..
walking towards my class I saw so many girls and boys chatting and smiling and I felt dead inside watching their expressions, laughs and the positivity as if the world was perfect while my world was shattered.
I entered the class found a seat in the back and sat when the doctor came and introduced himself and explained the subject I kept hearing a squeak of a chair behind me that at some point it pissed me off so I turned around and it was him again.
{ great now this guy is gonna ruin my whole semester cause of his annoyingness }
"excuse me please stop making that sound" asking him politely
the guy seemed all smirky and happy "sure thing ... after you tell me your name?"
"lujain" I replied quick to make him quit that noise
he smiled "beautiful name I'm khalid, nice to meet you"
Me :"I wish I can say the same .." giving him my back to continue with the lecture
when class was over I got out to text noor when khalid suddenly interrupted my way
Khalid :"hey"
Me :"you're in my way .."
Khalid :"haha I wasn't wrong when I said you're an angry grumpy girl"
Me :"And I wasn't wrong when I said you're annoying..."
He laughed
Me :"now why do you keep annoying me is there something you want?"
Khalid :"well ... I wanted to apologize for how much I annoyed you today I can be like that when I like someone I guess .. Irritating , annoying, self centered that's how I act but anyways really sorry didn't wanna cause you any discomfort."
Me :"well apology accepted now please I'll be on my way"
I left remembering yousif when khalid he said he liked me ..how he cheated how badly I was treated I felt rage sad angry all of the negative emotions piled up
He smiled at my face again as if I'm the reason behind how he's always smiley and perky ... But somehow .. His smile gives me hope .. At least some hope in this hopeless world.
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