I was in my room playing "Things will never be the same" By Jonas brothers and singing along.
I always play songs that describe how I feel at its moment.
We get closer and closer again
But we're falling apart
I'm losing, you're losing a friend
It's always over before we start
You're asking for love
And I wish that it could be the way that it was
But it's over
There's no one to blame
It'll never be the same
I took fluffy from the cage and put him on my lap and I looked at him I rememeberd a7mad how he gave me that bunny and our times together.
"ughhhh manool just forget about him its wrong as ur mom said she trusts u so suck it up"
I talked to fluffy ..
Me :"fluffy what am I supposed to do I love him... how can I pull it off and pretend that I don't how can I hide my feelings while I already told him I love him ... hufffff lifes complicated"
Fluffy looked at me and came closer to my face
I huged him
Me :"Awwww I love you fluffy"
Fluffy sat on my lap ..
Me :"you know what I should just try to adapt to it and focus on my studies more .. After all hatha mara7 yfeedny right?"
Fluffy hopped around my bed.
Me :"yea ... anyways I should stop thinking about this .."
I grabbed my phone and checked twitter I saw..
PK7amood : { Its hard being friends with someone you love so much! }
I scrolled down.
PK7amood : { have u ever loved someone so much u'd give an arm for not the expression not literaly give an arm for ? }
I scrolled down.
PK7amood : { if only she knew how much I love her and willing to give up my whole life just for her to be happy }
"ahh ... this is out of control"
I got out of twitter and stared at the sealing then I grabbed my phone again I dialed 3aysha's number ..
it rang ...
3aysha picked up.
3aysha :"Allo"
Me :"shosh :("
3aysha :"shfeeech"
Me :"I need a friend"
3aysha :"OMW.."
she's seriously a true friend.
after 15 min she came to my house I invited her up to my room.
I sat in my bed and fluffy was on my lap ..
3aysha :"so? goolay ?"
Me :"sigh Idk where to start ...."
I told her the whole story from A to Z about jasim a7mad and starbucks she didn't know anything cause she was too busy to plan for her wedding and melcha soon.
3aysha got surprised and shocked she laughed at first thinking it was a jock then she saw how serious I was ... the smiled wiped away from 3aysha's face ..
3aysha :"7elfay"
Me :"wallah ..."
3aysha :"wow ... wow wallah ma twa8a3ta kilsh bss why .. and how .."
Me :"la ts2leeny shay I have no idea!!"
I looked at fluffy feeling so down and upset.
3aysha :"manal!"
I looked at 3aysha :"yea?"
3aysha :"Do you love him?"
Me :"with all my heart"
3aysha :"then don't give up on him ever! what you're doing right now is actually a good thing cause ur doing it for ur mom and family w hatha shay yar'9y allah a7mad is not that far away u can still talk to him just not always and etha allah ketab maybe you both will end up like me and wahab you just gotta wait"
Me :"yea .. but what if he lost his feelings towards me soon ? and found someone ales he likes"
3aysha :"manool trust me then it wasn't meant to be if he did .. "
I looked at 3aysha and she smiled at face I smiled back ...
"she's right"
we chatted for a while then closed the phone I heard my mom call me I went downstairs and I saw dad ..
"ahhh wallah mo wagtaa kilsh!!!"
dad :"salam w 3alaikom"
Me :"wa3alaikom elsalam .."
dad :"u ready ?"
Me :"for what ?"
dad :"nesaity ?"
Me :"what" *ga3da asta3b6 mally 5lg a6la3*
dad :"agool roo7ay foog lebsay w tzahbay ba5thich entay w o5wanich"
Me :"k"
I went upstairs I hated it, I didn't wanna go out at all but dad forced me to so I wore anything and got out with dad ..
I went in the car with him I saw m7amad and khalid talking to my dad normaly laughing and having fun I was sitting next to dad silently ...
dad :"manal shfeech sakta?"
Me :"I have nothing to say .."
dad :"sharkeena 3al a8el"
Me :"yuba gelt lik ma 3indy shay agoola mo '3a9b atkalam"
I was staborn and a bit angry around dad cause I didn't even wanna go out in the first place.
dad :"la t6awleen 9ootich"
I sat there silently and dad took us to some game place to play, it was for kids khalid and m7amad went playing I sat there doing nothing..
dad sat next to me ..
dad :"manal laish mo ga3da tel3been?"
Me :"seriously dad? I'm 18 I'm not into baby games anymore I'm not a baby anymore"
dad :"walaw 3adi le3bai shfeeha .."
Me :"mally 5lg elyoom yuba nafseety mo shay"
dad :"laish"
Me :"ma'9'3o6a wayd mn eljam3a .."
dad :"aha ... may5alf 7awlay enich ma tfakreen w have a great time .." he smiled at me.
Me :"okai .." I looked away
dad got hurt a little and honestly I didn't care at that time he wasn't doing me any favor or to our family I was still mad at him for what he did even though I said I let it go .. it was still kept in my brain and heart the way he left I was sad and I'm just not happy with how things turned out.
we grabbed us a burger king meal and dad dropped us home khalid and m7amad thanked him ..and went inside the house.
I was about to go when I heard dad say :"manal?"
I turned around :"na3am?"
dad :"a7bich .. ana asef etha ga9art ma3ach .."
I felt pain in my heart when I heard my dad say that cause it has been along time since he told me that word and it has been along time since he acted this way I thought to myself maybe it was time to let go of my past and how dad left us maybe it was time to forgive and we'd all live in peace maybe if he's happy with his life right now I should be happy too cause it brought out a good man in him after all ...
I smiled and said :"w ana a7bik yuba .. I'll see u soon mashkoor 3ala kel shay..."
I went inside the house shivring it was cool outside, I saw my mom and hugged her and went up to my room.
I got ready for bed it was 11 pm before I slept I checked my phone.
a7mad :"manal ? baby?" 10:34 pm.
I replied.
Me :"yea?"
a7mad :"I miss you ..."
"ahh this hurtssss!!!!"
Me :"ummm I gotta sleep I'm tired"
a7mad :"manal I just wanna know something .."
Me :"shno?"
a7mad :"did you really mean it when you said you loved me belmostashfa?"
Me :"I did ... "
a7mad :"okai"
he was silent.
Me :"just .. don't hate me"
a7mad :"what?? mn 9ijich ? I hate you? ... manool I freaking love u!!! why would I hate you adri enich sawaity halsha'3la 3ashan omich and I respect that but hate you is crossing the line don't dare and tell me I hate you ... I'd hate myself before I'd hate u .."
what he said actually made me tear .. why can't we be together .. ?
Me :"Oki I'm sorry .."
a7mad :"its okai manal .."
I told him I had to sleep and I slept I woke up on friday ... not feeling so well I stayed at home all day watching tv and eating some food I wasn't in the mood to go out or see anyone.
the clock passed 12 am and I was up watching movies ... suddenly I heard the door of our house .. looks like someone opened it I got scared and went closer to see who was there.
I saw a man it was dark I didn't know who I didn't scream or anything I stood there looking at him silently till he came closer to the light ...
it was my dad ..
dad :"manaal?"
Me :"yuba? shyaybik hni hal7aza w shloon dashait elbait?"
dad :"3indy mefta7 spare .."
he looked at me smiling then he laughed.
"wtf?"
Me :"umm?"
dad :"yala gawmay e5wanich bawadeekom ma63am ..."
"OH MY GOSH he's drunk!!!"
Me :"no dad thats a bad idea please just go home ..."
dad :"many raye7 meekaaan gabool laah awadeekom el el el ... el macdonalds .."
dad :"YALA GAWMEEEHOM"
dad shouted at me.
I got scared I hurried to my brothers and woke them up we didn't even change our PJ's .. I didn't wake my mom cause I knew problems would have happened so I just woke my bros up and we all got into dad's car while we were wearing our PJ's ..
I felt so scared and worried what will happen?
dad took us to the nearest maccdonalds and we orderd from the car there ...
the women in the resturant ... "Hello sir welcome to maccdonald"
Dad laughed and said :"hey can I have a cheese bruger and fuckin souda wid dat?"
Her :"excuse me?"
Dad :"did you hear what the fuck I just said? I need a fuckin cheese bruger and a souda"
she got scared the women she noticed my dad was drunk my brothers didn't know he was drunk they don't even know that he drinks ...
I stared at dad he stinks his smell was burning my eyes ... he was super drunk that night ... how could he I got so angry and pissed just when I thought things got along between me and dad he ruined it.
The women :"anything ales sir?" she looked terrified.
dad :"3yal shtaboon?"
khalid and m7amad :"big mac" they were smiling and happy.
while I was the one whos angry and hurt..
dad :"big mac for the boys and manool shtabeen?"
Me :"nothing im not hungry .."
dad :"and another big mac for manool" he smiled
Her :"okai sir"
dad :"and you better hurry the fuck up"
she ran and talked to her co-workers talking about how my dad acted..
a tear streamed down my face ... why does he do this I thought he changed but I was very wrong..
Me :"yuba lets just go home its passed 1 barro7 elbait"
dad :"entay sektay e5wanich mestanseen"
my brothers didn't know anything my dad was druck and driving this is bad this is not good at all..
I was worried and scared.
the women gave us our meal and dad drove off speeding very fast and playing loud music.
Dad opened the window up the car.
khalid stood up facing the air and wind he was smiling having fun while I was about to break down crying I just wanted to go home.
Dad screamed :"ayyyyywwaaaa khalood"
Me :"yala yuba 5anroo7 elbait"
Dad :"ouushhhh en6amay w ge3day wara .."
7a6ait edy eb galbi hoping we dont end up dead all of us I was worried while my dad was careless.
"this is not happening .. this is not happening"
dad speeded the car w kan elshare3 5aly ma feeh a7ad my brothers were having fun except me I was scared we'd end up in a car crash and my dad ending up in jail ...
I heard dad scream having fun .... I closed my eyes and placed my hands on my ears "ya rab nerja3 elbait belsalama I don't want anyone to get hurt ... ya rab atrajak t5aly oboy yraj3na elbait" I teared.
dad took us back home after that without any scrach or us being hurt I took the meals and took khalid and m7amad back inside the house.
I looked at dad ... he really has no idea what he just did he risked our lives just for fun .. who is he?
I went back inside and took them to bed and I sat in my room silently then I layed in my bed crying my eyes off.
"Why does this keep happining to me? whyyyyy?"
"I don't wanna be in this stupid life anymore I dont wanna live I can't be with who I love and my dad dosen't care my mom is hurting wallah wayd mo shwaya 3alai I don't want this anymore"
I cried and I cried and I cried .. till my eyes couldn't take anymore and I slept ..
I swear that day still hunts me I remember every detail how my dad cursed the women how he speeded the car in the middle of the night how he was drunk and how he acted like I rememebr it all ... it just was so hard for me to take it in and deal with it.
I woke up the next day ..
washed up I noticed my eyes were super red and looked like I was crying last night I went downstairs I didn't feel good at all I noticed my mom she wasn't feeling alright I asked her what was wrong and how was she.
Mom :"la ma feeny shay I'm fine bss .."
Me :"bss?"
Mom :"there's something you should know about ur dad"
Me :"what?"
Mom :"ur dad isn't the person who you thought he is .."
Me :"what do you mean?"
Mom :"ahla kano metbareen mena so his sisters ur aunts raised him and those aunts hate me yshayshoon oboch y6algny .."
Me :"what????" I was in a shock mn wain halkalam ga3d ye6la3.
Mom :"w oboch y7bhom akthar mn oma w oboh w yekrah o5wana ... ur uncles thats why u dont see ur uncles alot and thats why u only see ur aunts ur dad's sisters .. w ohma el9ara7a 3arefooh 3ala nass teshrab w t5arb6 ... w 3ad oboch allah yaheed .. kamal ma3ahom"
Me :"MOM shloon ma gelty ly laish ana ma adri?"
Mom :"it wasn't something u need to know .."
Me :"shloon I don't need to know this? ur serious"
Mom :"manal haday .. ur dad changed since he married me he stopped all of that lately he got back with those friends and his sisters ... and he changed ellebnaneya elly tzawajha .. 5awat oboch y7bonha ... w mn ziman yaboona yetzawaj'ha bss 3anadhom w tzawajny le2ana kan y7bni .."
Me :"enzain?"
Mom :"w al7een lama sheft oboch yeshrab again .. hadadta eni baheda etha ma wagaf elsherb w oboch 3a9ab .. w dag 3ala 5awatah ma yadri shesawy .. w ohma shayeshoh y6algni w yetzawaj ellebnaneya .."
"OH MY GOSH!!"
Me :"yuma met2akda hathool 3amaty?"
Mom :"yea .. lel2asaf elshdeed wallah ana ma ga9art ma3a oboch w ma3ahom"
I was so shocked how could this be?
was my life been a big lie?
all the poeple I thought I knew, I didn't know at all!
my life dosen't make sence anymore.
I was so confused how is this possible how could mom not tell me?
I excued mom and went upstairs ... I was drowning with my own tears with every drop my heart aches I was just starting to get along with dad then he did that then my mom told me this it was just too much for me ... why now? why all of this happened at once?
Questions were runing though my mind .... I couldn't hold my tears and I couldn't adjust with the truth and what I just heard.
I dialed a number ... it was a7mad's number.
a7mad :"allo?"
Me :"Help!!! meee!!!"
a7mad :"manal shfeeeeech??"
Me :"I need you right now!"
a7mad :"wain tabeeny ayee?"
Me :"idk"
a7mad :"ta3ali 3alba7ar the place where u saw me before ..."
Me :"okai .."
I closed the phone and wore my training suit ponytailed my hair and got out with rajo to that place ..
when I arrived I saw a7mad infront of me ...
tears were streaming down my face ...
a7mad :"baby whats wrong?" he came closer placing his hand on my cheek wiping my tears away.
Me :" my heart hurts so bad ... so bad"
I cried like a baby infront of him.
he grabbed me while I was crying hard and hugged me I cried on his chest while he placed his hands behind my back rubbing it.
a7mad :"haday haday shway shway manal please don't cry"
I sqeezed him and cried.
a7mad :"manaaaal 5ala9, shway shway take a deep breath .."
I cooled down a little I took a deep breath.
Me :"don't let go" I was still hugging him.
a7mad :"I promise I won't till you tell me to let go .."
we hugged till I actually t5adart and calmed down then I let go we walked and sat in a chair by the sea ... I leaned my head on his shoulder and and held his arm shivring.
he looked at me and took his jacket off and placed it on me... wow.
Me :"no a7mad ... its oki mo bardana"
a7mad smiled his dimple smile :"keep it.."
I smiled back ...
we had a silent moment ...
Me :"thank you"
a7mad :"don't thank me , tell me?"
Me :"I can't"
a7mad :"yes you can"
he held my hand looking into my eyes.
a7mad :"please I wanna know?"
....................................................
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